Weekend Movie Guide

"Immortals" - Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, John Hurt

A mortal man (Cavill) is tasked by the gods with stopping a powerful warrior (Rourke) and saving the world. A cross between 300 and Clash of the Titans, Immortals has received a massive advertising campaign with the trailer running for the better part of a year and the title plastered across anything and everything that would accept the studio's money. There are a number of people whose opinions I respect that are excited about Immortals but...um...this looks horrible to me as it comes across as total style over substance. I'm slightly intrigued on the basis of wanting to see Cavill, whom I know very little about, in a major role before the new Superman film opens in 2013 but that's really about it.

Value: $4 It looks like this film will be visually compelling but I think it's going to struggle to find an audience, at least in the US, and the early reviews have been disparaging.

"J. Edgar" - Leonardo DiCaprio, Armie Hammer, Naomi Watts

A controversial biographical look at FBI leader J. Edgar Hoover (DiCaprio). You cannot ask for a better pedigree than the one enjoyed by J. Edgar and yet I've smelled a rat, so to speak, from the beginning. There is just something off in the trailer and while I can't quite put my finger on it, it left me feeling like this film wouldn't measure up to its potential. More than anything, I think J. Edgar wreaks of dissatisfaction and I can't really sum it up any other way. DiCaprio is ALWAYS great, of course, but most reviews I've seen pinpoint his performance as the one real bright spot. I think I'll pass.

Value: $4 Given a rough Rotten Tomatoes score (40%), I think we can safely say this is the first real bust of Awards Season.

"Jack and Jill" - Adam Sandler, Al Pacino, Katie Holmes

When his annoying sister (Sandler) comes for an extended visit, a commercial director (also Sandler) seizes the opportunity to get a celebrity (Pacino) to work with him. Here's what I don't get about Sandler: he's still funny. When I see him on talk shows or in various other interviews, he still makes me laugh. Then he routinely turns out crap like this and I'm left to wonder if it's not some sort of sick joke he's playing on all of us. At the end of the year, I can guarantee you that he'll have had a hand in at least two of the five worst reviewed movies of the year (this one and Bucky Larson) and both Zookeeper and Just Go With It have an outside shot at the top ten. That's a ROUGH year. And yet, he'll make serious money off of all of them (except Bucky Larson) and despite the pile of rubbish he's been a part of over the last few years, Rotten Tomatoes reports that 75% of voters are still want to see this movie. There has to be some sort of voodoo at work here, no?

Value: $0 If you are over the age of 13 and you want to see this movie, I'm going to kindly ask that you stop reading the content of this site. It's not for you.

"Melancholia" - Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlotte Gainsbrough (Limited)

As another planet threatens to crash into our own, two sisters (Dunst, Gainsbrough) struggle to maintain civility during one's wedding. I'm torn on this one. I dislike the films of Lars von Trier and I think find him personally to be an artsy version of Brett Ratner. But Meloncholia is getting extremely strong reviews, this cast is incredible, and I'm digging the sci-fi-mixed-with-drama trend that's making its way through the indie circuit right now. Plus, there are so very few meaningful female performances these days and by all accounts Dunst gives one here.

Value: $7 Can't get behind it wholeheartedly but I'm hopeful. Also, if you have HDNet, I believe Melancholia will be available to you this weekend. 

"London Boulevard" - Colin Farrell, Keira Knightley, Ray Winstone (Limited)

An ex-con (Farrell) finds that his relationship with an actress (Knightley) has caused more trouble than he'd bargained for. With an excellent cast and a potential-laden new director (William Monahan who wrote The Departed), I thought London Boulevard might be worth a shot. Alas, most reviews have been quite harsh and this looks like another failed attempt to follow in the footsteps of Guy Ritchie.

Value: $1 Maybe on Netflix but nothing else. 

"Into the Abyss" (Limited)

Director Werner Herzog delivers a powerful documentary made up of interviews with Texas death row inmate Michael Perry and a look at the death penalty itself. Regardless of your position on this issue, Into the Abyss promises to give an honest look at our system and opens up a very serious discussion. Plus, Herzog knows how to make a documentary (see: Grizzly Man, Cave of Forgotten Dreams).

Value: $8 Definitely worth a look again, no matter what your stance might be.

"11-11-11" - Timothy Gibbs, Michael Landes, Brendan Price
From the guy who brought you three of the Saw films, comes the obligatory horror film related to the unique numbering on the calendar. I'm just not even going to bother summing this one up because let's be honest: if you're going to see 11-11-11, you're going to see it regardless of what I say here and if you're not, nothing I say here will convince you to check it out. It is what it is.

Value: $2 I'm just guessing here as I have no idea if 11-11-11 has any chance of being worthwhile. I supposed a hundred million horror movie fans can't be wrong about the genre as a whole but I'll pass.

In Home Viewings: "Arthur"

Arthur (Russell Brand) is your typical man-child. A twenty (or thirty) something, he acts more like an eight year old and everyone treats him accordingly. The only difference between Arthur and the typical Will Ferrell character is that Arthur is filthy rich, the heir to a business conglomerate and the fortune that comes with it. He lives in a New York high rise with his chauffeur/friend, Bitterman (Luis Gonzalez) and his nanny, Hobson (Helen Mirren), and spends his days terrorizing the police in his Batmobile and buying ridiculous things at auction (like the suit Abraham Lincoln died in, which he then wears). His carefree life is put to the test, however, when his mother, Vivienne (Geraldine James) decides she's had it with his embarrassments. She offers Arthur a choice: marry Susan (Jennifer Garner), an ambitious woman who Arthur hates or lose his claim to the family money. Complicating his decision is Naomi (Greta Gerwig), a lower class free spirit that Arthur has become infatuated with. With limited time available, Arthur must grow up quickly and figure out what it is that truly makes him happy.

Arthur had three strikes against it going in:

1. The trailer is horrendous, the type of "advertisement" that sandbags its intended beneficiary before viewers even step into a theater. It's almost as if the studio purposefully picked out the most annoying parts of the movie to include in the trailer. Ouch.

2. I'm not a fan of Brand and I've never understood his charm. To be fair, Get Him to the Greek (and his performance in particular) grows on me every time I happen to catch a part of it on HBO but everything else he's ever done has left me unimpressed.

3. I, like almost everyone else in the world who does not work in Hollywood, am against unnecessary remakes. No one wanted a new Arthur. NO ONE.

But for all the negatives coming in, I confess I quite enjoyed my time with Arthur. The entire movie is one absurdity after another, to be sure, but I had fun regardless. Arthur operates within a vacuum in which it creates its own environment and sets its own rules(a New York in which everyone treats Arthur the way a small town would treat a pre-teen in the 1950s) almost like you'd see in a fantasy or sci-fi film. More importantly, the film holds to that environment and those rules and this sort of total escapism serves it well. From a comedy standpoint, too, you could do a lot worse than Arthur. It's all very juvenile, of course, but when you're in the right mood and the jokes are plentiful, sometimes easy jokes are the best kind. Arthur is filled to the brim with those and I laughed more than I would have ever dreamed coming in.

As far as the performances go, I suppose you couldn't really call what Brand does "acting" since he is basically portraying a cartoon-like version of himself. But what he manages to do with Arthur as opposed to some of his other characters is to make him extremely likeable and sympathetic, much more so than I would have thought possible given that he is a selfish, wealthy, immature man-child. I did not expect to root for Arthur but I did, in large part due to the healthy amount of heart that Brand infuses him with. Arthur is a good person who just doesn't really know how to be a good person and while his redemption isn't the same as what you might get from a drunk (like the original Arthur), it is nonetheless appreciated. Mirren, too, is solid. Now, I have no idea why in the name of The Queen she took this role but since she does bring an element of respectability to Arthur that the film definitely benefits from. She and Brand develop a fun relationship throughout the course of the film and she serves as a quality straight man to Brand's ridiculousness. Their underplayed dynamic is what makes Arthur work and what keeps it from becoming the disaster that I anticipated at the outset.

Grade: B

Movie News Today

Check out this INCREDIBLE poster for December's We Bought a Zoo. Well done here, Hollywood! More of this, please.

Bradley Cooper joins George Clooney in NOT being Man From UNCLE. No way this film gets released next year, right?

First, Brett Ratner was fired as the director of the Academy Awards and now Eddie Murphy has dropped out as host. Couldn't care less about Ratner; go away forever, please. But Murphy...well, I'm disappointed in Murphy. I'm not a Murphy fan (more on this next week) but even I was looking forward to his turn as the host because it was his chance to prove that he still has something worth watching. Bad choice on his part.

John Likes Movies finishes up his countdown of 20 great movie scenes with one from Children of Men, a scene which I think might be one of the ten best ever.

City Lights makes a compelling case for Andy Serkis' Oscar credentials.

Review - "Dolphin Tale"

Live-action family movies are a tough sell for me. I’m quick to jump on board for an animated adventure. I’ve willingly seen more cartoon kid’s movies over the last few years than any non-parent really has the right to see and I often quite enjoy them. But I generally draw the line on family films when the characters stop being toy cowboys and flying dragons. I’ve grandfathered in the ones I saw as a kid, from Swiss Family Robinson to The Goonies to Jumangi, but their current counterparts hold nothing for me. I find that this genre is overly cheesy and whereas the escapism of animation allows me to overlook this in the standard Dreamworks or Disney cartoon, I can’t do it when there are real humans on the screen. I confess, however, that the trailers for Dolphin Tale piqued my interest despite my internal protestations. Maybe it was the animal element (I’m a softie for a lost or injured pet), maybe it was the manipulative and uplifting music, or maybe it was just the presence of Morgan Freeman. Whatever the case may be, I sat down for this film with moderate anticipation and came out satisfied and slightly wet-eyed.

Dolphin Tale is the big screen adaptation (and adaptation is key this time around) of real life events that took place a few years ago on the Florida shoreline. Sawyer Nelson (Nathan Gamble) is a pre-teen with bad grades, an absent father, and no friends. His mother (Ashley Judd) worries how he’ll handle the departure of his one confidant, Cousin Kyle (Austin Stowell), when he ships off to his military assignment. Everything changes for Sawyer, however, when he stumbles across a dolphin trapped on a beachside entangled in a fishing net. Sawyer follows the dolphin to an animal hospital where he meets Dr. Clay Haskett (Harry Connick, Jr.) and his daughter, Hazel (Cozi Zuehlsdorff). They name the dolphin Winter and Sawyer becomes more invested in her recovery than he has ever been in any living thing. He despairs when he learns that Winter will lose her tail fin due to the damage but as the dolphin continues to fight for her life, Sawyer comes up with a wild idea: he recruits a prosthetics expert, Dr. Cameron McCarthy (Freeman), who agrees to create a new fin for his first non-human subject. As Winter struggles to adapt to her new way of life, Sawyer and the Haskett’s work tirelessly to preserve the life of their new friend and save the facility in which she lives.

All cards on the table, there are many elements of Dolphin Tale that I could pick on. It has numerous cheesy moments that brought about full-body cringes, the story is as predictable as you might expect, and the child actors are…well…child actors. Gamble and Zuehlsdorff both have a lot of work ahead of them should they wish to extend their respective careers. Despite these obvious obstacles, however, as Dolphin Tale progressed, I found myself less willing to criticize and more willing to simply enjoy the film for what it is: quality family fare with an endearing narrative that is almost impossible to ignore. It is like a Top 40 pop song that you normally wouldn’t enjoy but is so catchy that you find yourself singing along so often that you eventually just bite the bullet and buy the thing on iTunes, hoping that no one looks through your playlist. In essence, Dolphin Tale is to cinema what Lady Antebellum is to my iPod. I couldn’t help but like it.

Where Dolphin Tale excels is in its ability to tell a story with authenticity. I bought into Winter’s will to live and the need for Sawyer and the Hasketts to see her through to recovery (this is aided by the fact that Winter plays herself here rather than relying on a CGI stand-in). The narrative was, for me, very organic, more so than you usually find in this type of “tug-at-your-heartstrings” family film. Don’t get me wrong, director Charles Martin Smith (yes, that Charles Martin Smith, the accountant-turned-gunslinger in The Untouchables) uses music and shot selection just like you might expect to build up the bigger moments of the film, but I didn’t feel manipulated. Whereas most movies of the genre become sluggish and lazy in their attempts to get the audience to connect, I found it very easy to engage the story this time around. Dolphin Tale has a tremendous amount of heart and that shines through genuinely and consistently, making it both emotionally relevant and accessible. There were not many dry eyes in my theater and those that were probably belonged to soulless robots but I’m just guessing on that point. Dolphin Tale is an all-around likeable film that should have a much more wide-ranging appeal than many of its contemporaries.

Grade: B+

Dolphins have got to be a top 10 animal on the scale of awesomeness,

Brian

DVD Roundup

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) - Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint (Available 11/11/11)
The final chapter in the Harry Potter saga finds the Boy Who Lived waging the ultimate war against He Who Must Not Be Named with the entire realm of wizardry hanging in the balance. I'm a total Potter nerd and happy to admit it. In my opinion, this is the best installment in the one of the very best franchises in film history. Incredibly satisfying and filled with a number of heart-felt moments, Part 2 also includes some incredible special effects and an all-out battle scene that holds up against just about anything you'll find in a PG-13 movie.

In Home Viewing Recommendation: I have always stood behind my recommendation of this entire series for virtually anyone who likes movies. If you haven't given them a shot, you should definitely do so but don't start with this one, of course. As for me, I'm headed to my local Best Buy before the week is up.

The Change-Up (2011) - Jason Bateman, Ryan Reynolds, Leslie Mann
Two best friends, one a family man (Bateman), the other a womanizer (Reynolds), wake up to find that they've switched bodies. Basically the R-rated Freaky Friday. Very few movies were as universally panned this year like The Change-Up was. A 24% score on Rotten Tomatoes is one thing but even further, almost every review I read was scathing. Yikes. This goes to show that you can't trust Bateman no matter how much you like the guy (and I like him quite a lot). Also, I'm left to wonder if, given the poor reception this movie received plus the equally troubling showing of Green Lantern, Reynolds star is about to take a dramatic turn downward.

IHVR: If this were to show up on Netflix or HBO, I might give it a chance when if my DVR was empty. Otherwise...

Life in a Day (2011)
A time capsule documentary featuring people and places all across the globe designed to show future generations what life was like on a single day in 2010. This is one of the cooler documentary ideas to come down the chute in some time and it received appropriate positivity from the few who saw it. Looking forward to checking this out myself.

IHVR: There's a great chance this movie will show up on Netflix Instant so I'd hold out until then but I think it's worth a look.

13 (2010) - Jason Statham, Michael Shannon, Sam Riley
Desperately in need of money, a man (Riley) enters as a contestant in an underground betting ring that places money on the lives of those involved in their blood sports. How many movies like this come out each year? I feel like I wrote about this same type of thing like two weeks ago...wait, what? Oh, that's right, I did. In fact, it was this very film which received a meaningless limited theatrical release last month. So there's that.

IHVR: At best 13 is Netflix fodder and nothing more.

New to Blu Pick of the Week
The Fisher King (1991) - Jeff Bridges, Robin Williams, Mercedes Ruehl
Probably the first and only time I'll make a Pick of the Week for a film I haven't seen all the way through. But the other Blu-Ray releases this week are all mediocre or I've never seen them at all so...here we are. What I remember about The Fisher King is very good and I'm always down for giving a Terry Gilliam film a chance (not saying I like everything he does, just saying I'll always make time for Gilliam). So there you have it.

Also New
Blue Velvet (1986) - Kyle MacLachlan, Isabella Rossellini, Dennis Hopper (Blu-Ray)
Mutiny on the Bounty (1962) - Marlon Brando, Trevor Howard (Blu-Ray)
One Eyed Jacks (1961) - Marlon Brando, Karl Malden (Blu-Ray)
Little Big Man (1970) - Dustin Hoffman, Faye Dunaway (Blu-Ray)
Cannonball Run (1981) - Burt Reynolds, Roger Moore, Farrah Fawcett (Blu-Ray)
To Die For (1995) - Nicole Kidman, Matt Dillon (Blu-Ray)
Gia (1998) - Angelina Jolie, Faye Dunaway (Blu-Ray)
Executive Decision (1996) - Kurt Russell, Halle Berry (Blu-Ray)
Absence of Malice (1981) - Paul Newman, Sally Field (Blu-Ray)
Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl (2005) - Cayden Boyd, George Lopez (Blu-Ray)
Atlas Shrugged: Part 1 (2011) - Taylor Schilling, Grant Bowler

Trailers! Trailers! Trailers!

Not the typical Movie News Today but I've missed a couple of good trailers over the last few weeks so here we go.

First up, we have the new Denzel Washington movie Safe House which looks like...well...a Denzel Washington movie. Always enjoy him as a villain, though.



Next up we've got the first look at 21 Jump Street which is honestly not at all what I expected. This can't be good, right?



Finally, we get our first look at The Lorax which could be a big family hit. Major props, too, for using a Polyphonic Spree song!

In Home Viewings - "Tree of Life"

NOTE: I'm about to write what is sure to be one of the shorter (or at least insubstantial) reviews of my professional (read: "not professional at all") career. I have been trying to put my thoughts into words regarding Tree of Life for the better part of three weeks now and both attempts to write have resulted in long-winded, dull, and filled with tangents that really didn't make a lot of sense. As a result, I've gotten to a point where I just need to spit this review out and be done with it because the further I am away from my viewing, the tougher it becomes to put together a cohesive review. Please do not take my limited words to be an indication of the value of this film as a whole.

Ostensibly, Tree of Life is about Jack (Sean Penn and Hunter McCraken), a child of the '50s whose father, Mr. O'Brien (Brad Pitt), was a hard man to live with. I say ostensibly because...well...you'll see. O'Brien isn't a drunk, abusive, or even particularly mean; he's simply hard, the poster boy for the hardworking, blue collar man of his generation. He loves his sons tremendously but has a tough time showing it and Jack takes the brunt of that difficulty. Most of the time Jack is shown in his teenage form and he is used to illustrate the concept of growing up. TOL cuts back and forth between the past and present which finds Jack as a businessman who shows many of the same characteristics of the father who he's always struggled to connect with. In many ways, Tree of Life could really be called Circle of Life and I think (think is a key word here) that's a big part of what director Terrence Malick is going for.

But really that's only about 25 percent of the story. Using a non-linear narrative that is all at once difficult to stick with and wholly engrossing, Malick weaves together a tapestry that appears a bit jumbled when looking at each stitch individually but becomes a near masterpiece when viewed as a whole. TOL stretches out its focus to include the creation of the earth, the reign of dinosaurs (yes, this movie has dinosaurs), and the dawn of man. It then diverts to include nature of God, the role of prayer, and what I believe is Malick's own vision of heaven. If that sounds too wide-ranging, let me say that I'm probably not hitting on a number of other subjects that make their way into this film and yet it all blends together spectacularly. It is an insanely personal film, too, and that comes screaming through in every almost every scene. I have no idea what Malick's beliefs may be but whatever they are, he's clearly wrestling with his spiritual identity (again, no idea if that identity is Christian, Atheist, Buddhist, or whatever else). You can see why it took Malick so long to fine-tune and craft TOL and why the reactions to it have been so extreme between those who would call it the best film ever to those who couldn't make it through the first 15 minutes.

I wouldn't say I fall into either of those camps. TOL is so challenging that I would stop short of calling it perfect or "one of the best ever." Personally I think there has to be a level of accessibility for a film to be included in those categories and that's definitely not a big part of TOL. At the same time, it is a supremely well-made film that is almost completely left up to the interpretation of the viewer and that in and of itself is a stroke of genius. (It's also the most beautiful film I have ever seen; if TOL does not receive some serious attention from the Academy Awards then I may have to consider anarchy.) In truth, my review and any other review you might read couldn't possibly do Tree of Life justice. It's the sort of film you simply have to see for yourself before judging it one way or another.

Grade: A

Movie News Today

Well I picked a bad time to go on vacation. Not only did I miss Games 6 and 7 of the World Series (thereby jinxing the Rangers, unquestionably), there was a flurry of movies news just waiting to be reported and no access to the Soap Box Office to see it through. Apologies! I did, however, come up with a few (supposedly) good ideas that I'll be trying out over the coming weeks but I believe I'll wait until the beginning of the year to see them through completely. Thanks for sticking around. On with the show.

Due to the numerous entries into the field, the Academy Awards have expanded the Best Animated Feature category to include five nominees instead of three. The only question is...um...are there five worth even mentioning this year?

Looks like the ever-busy Leonardo DiCaprio is on for The Revenant, about an 1820s fur trapper who is left for dead by his comrades and comes back to seek his revenge. Not exactly sure when it happened but DiCaprio has become an instant "in" for me no matter what movie he's in.

Here's one I missed while on vacation: the next Bond movie will called Skyfall and Movievine has a brief run down. Personally, can't wait.

Ridley Scott sat down with the Wall Street Journal and discussed his upcoming Blade Runner sequel/prequel. I'm so torn on this one. It needs to be GREAT to work out but the chances of a sequel being great 30 years after the original? Not so good.

Gary Oldman is experiencing a bit of a career swoon which is weird considering he's pretty much been a mainstay for the last 20 years. Suddenly, though, it's like major studio releases just discovered the guy. Or maybe he's just more willing to take on popcorn flicks than he used to be. Regardless, Warner Brothers is after the greatest-actor-of-his-generation to play Merlin in their upcoming Arthur and Lancelot. The more Oldman, the better. That's my motto.

JJ Abrams is honing in on Benicio Del Toro to play the villain in the Star Trek sequel. Note to Mr. Del Toro: you need to say yes. It's been a while since this guy, an outstanding actor, has been in anything relevant and Abrams would do wonders for his career.

Finally, Roger Ebert has announced that At the Movies will officially end in January if it does not find significant financial backing. I'm going to have a longer post on this in a couple of weeks but let me just say that this sucks. It would be a real bummer if the Ebert TV legacy came to an end. Hoping someone steps up with some cash.

Weekend Box Office Results
1. Puss in Boots - $33.04 million ($75.51 million total)
2. Tower Heist - $25.1M
3. A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas - $13.07M
4. Paranormal Activity 3 - $8.53M ($95.31M)
5. In Time - $7.7M ($24.21M)
6. Footloose - $4.55M ($44.8M)
7. Real Steel - $3.41M ($78.75M)
8. The Rum Diary - $2.99M ($10.42M)
9. The Ides of March - $2M ($36.8M)
10. Moneyball - $1.9M ($70.33M)

Weekend Movie Guide - 11/4

"Tower Heist" - Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, Casey Affleck, Alan Alda, Matthew Broderick
After a billionaire (Alda) steals their retirement money, an apartment building attendant (Stiller) assembles the working class to take back what's theirs with the help of a bumbling criminal (Murphy). A friend of mine put it best regarding Tower Heist when he said it's a giant pros and cons list. Pro: Ben Stiller, who's reinvented himself over the last few years and become much more dependable than he once was (Meet the Fockers aside). Con: Eddie Murphy who hasn't mattered for close to 20 years now. Pro: Casey Affleck and Alan Alda both of whom hold their own no matter how small a part they're given. Con: Matthew Broderick is just depressing to look at these days. Pro: a trailer that has some laughs... Con: ...and ends with A Brett Ratner film." There are very few sentences that can cause me to ride in fear like that one can. Brett Ratner is everything that is wrong with Hollywood and I will never be able to recommend his films.

Value: $5 Put another director in charge of Tower Heist and I'd probably bump it up a few bucks. Also, how many more times are we going to buy into an Eddie Murphy movie hoping that this is the one that brings him back to form? At some point, don't we just have to write the guy off? I guess we'll know for sure after the Oscars.

"A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas" - Kal Penn, John Cho, Neil Patrick Harris
Stoner buddies Harold (Cho) and Kumar (Penn) reunite six years after their last fiasco. Also, they kill Santa. I have seen only parts of the original Harold and Kumar and none of the second. I was also not high during that partial viewing so I'm far from the expert. But I will say two things in defense of this series: 1.) I think if you're between the ages of 16 and 21, the humor within these movies is pretty funny. It doesn't transcend that demographic in my opinion but it scores big where it's intended to. 2.) It deserves full credit for bringing Neil Patrick Harris back into the forefront of our collective consciousness and that's a major win for all of us.

Value: $3 Have a great time, stoners and 16-21 year old males!

"The Son of No One" - Channing Tatum, Al Pacino, Tracy Morgan
A young police officer with a dark secret (Tatum) sees his life spiraling out of control when clues begin to arise concerning the past he left behind. This is the third film from director Dito Montiel and also his third collaboration with Channing Tatum. So can we all agree that he doesn't need to be allowed to make films anymore? I mean, really man, if you're going to hitch your wagon to a single star, shouldn't it be a star who can, you know, act? Even a little?

Value: $0 Pretty much every review I've seen, both from professional critics and jokers like me, has been scathing. As in, "this should never have been made" and "one of the worst movies of the year." Need I say more?

In Home Viewings - "Rio"

After being illegally smuggled from his native Brazil, Blu (Jesse Eisenberg), a rare species of bird, spends the next 15 years of his life living peacefully (and safely) with his owner, Linda (Leslie Mann). Things change, however, when a bird expert shows up on Linda's door and tells her that Blu is one of only two remaining members of his species and the little bird is needed to repopulate the wild. Blu and Linda travel to Rio de Janeiro where Blu meets Jewel (Anne Hathaway), the last female, and the mating process gets underway...until Jewel breaks out of the holding cell and gets them both captured by more illegal bird smugglers. While Linda searches for her lost pet, Blu and Jewel must work together to both secure their freedom and help Blu face his fear of flying.

If that plot summary made Rio sound in the least exciting then I apologize for misleading you. It isn't. It's quite boring, really. In the entire 96 minute run time, almost nothing of real interest happens save for a handful of musical numbers that quickly become repetitive. It's a colorful, lively-looking film which is a shame given how dull it turns out to be. Blu and Jewel hop from one dangerous encounter to another but much like the music, these detours seem to be somewhat redundant. I get that illegal animal smuggling is an issue but how often can one little bird fall into the wrong hands before we start to wonder if every Brazilian is, in fact, a smuggler? With the vivid landscape Rio had to work with, I expected the plot to pop a little more rather than moving in a continual circle.

In addition, the voice talent, while palpable, is somewhat misused. Perhaps this is a personal issue as I find both Eisenberg and Hathaway to be off-putting but Blu and Jewel came across as too whiny for my liking. It's almost a given that the audience roots for the main characters within a kid's movie; that's just the way these films work. But I found myself struggling to care whether or not Blu got home and the supporting characters (voiced by Will.i.am, Tracy Morgan, and Jamie Foxx, among others) seem uninspired. Like the movie itself, the actors are going through the motions. There's also no real heart in Rio and that pushes it away from being a decent-enough kid's movie into the realm of near uselessness. Beyond the bright colors and the occasional song, I can't imagine there's much within Rio to really keep a kid's attention and that goes double for adults.

Grade: C+